And it begins again....

Hi everyone, and when I say everyone, I mean the three of you faithful followers. So it has begun again, the school year. I have different students this year and some of the old ones, which is not saying much. School beginnings have been tough and difficult and very stressful. I can not begin to tell you, I think I am losing hair. And I know that my stupid liver is failing based on the long hours and the all time consuming school work.
Has there been stupid questions, of course there has, I mean it is school after all. So, I have been already asked the stupid question,"Do I really need to put my name on this?" No, it's alright, don't put your name on it, but then again, you also don't get a grade on it either. Oh, I see, says the student, I guess I should put my name on it then. Yes good choice! I swear sometimes these children make you drink.
The other good news is that these kids are still excited to be here, I give it a few more weeks when they are really into the swing of things. Until then there is only 160 more days of school left:)

And hello my old friend

So it is June 23rd and 22 days since my last confession. I have finished regular school days only to be working for summer school and at the place they made a song about. I am exhausted every single day and my husband keeps a drink for me to help alleviate that problem, of course some days I don't even remember drinking it but hey. I have remembered after my long hiatus some stories that I forgot to place on the last entry, which only makes them more funny.

Okay so it was the last days of school and I was prepping for the final exam. I ask the class, "What is a homonym?" I look around the class, I see a sea of confusion, a valley of ignorance and then of course out of the dismal abyss a hand is raised. I think this is wonderful, someone finally knows an answer. I call on the student and they say loud and proud,"Isn't that a nice way to say a gay couple?" The air blows out from my body and I look at the student and I say, "Um, close but no, it is two words that sound the same and are spelled differently." I felt that seen from Glee where the girls stands there in her dress with the stapled animals and the frog jumps off...yeah I felt like that frog. I'll admit it, I want to jump out the window, run screaming from the insanity. I mean it is only the end of the year and you can't remember one thing that I taught already? ARGH! Almost as good as the time we spoke about Chuck Norris. It doesn't end there, of course not, it's me, so it gets better.

So after this, I have a student who says, "Miss, before the end of the year, I am going to throw myself into your wall to see what happens." I laugh at him and I say," Ha! No, you are not!" A few days go by and things are winding down, school is coming to a close and I blink for one second. Big mistake, never trust your students well that particular student anyhow. So I blink for one second and off he runs, launches himself like a freaking bug and lands in the wall. Oh yeah, you read that right, lands inside the wall. I mean a four foot hole in the shape of this student. The entire class has a fit, they are yelling and I look at him and for once am at a total loss of words. Suffice to say that 250 dollars and the end of the year is all that it take to fix my room. HA HA HA! I wish I had a fly swatter cause I would have nailed him with it. Freaking world's largest bug! I could go on the road and charge 25 cents for a look at the bug man!

So here we are and I am now in summer school. I had taken 35 kids to Tampa to look at colleges. I had forgotten that some colleges were so pretty to look at, I mean with the exception of the three kids that passed out and myself from the extreme heat, really pretty. This trip took me out of summer school for the first three days so when I finally arrived on campus ready to work, I figured that I would have to begin all over again. Imagine my surprise when the first bell rings and I have no students. I then find out that it's okay, that is my planning period. Okay so the next bell rings and then the next and I still have no kids. I have to run around campus recruiting for this class, TV Production. Who wouldn't want to be involved? I arrive to find several students in my room. They don't speak English so now my TV Production morning show has become Telemundo! And? You are probably asking so what? I just don't want to watch an entire episode of "POR QUE!" and "Adios Mio!" So dramatic, so crazy. So to alleviate the issues, I am doing in fact a Telemundo Minute...drama in seconds:) I shall keep you posted on that weekly episodic series.

Well, I think that is all in a nutshell foe now but there is always a chance of more insanity, I mean that is education:)

And the end is near!!!

Hello, it has been three weeks since my last confession. I am going to need at least three hail Maries and holy dear lord in heaven. Is that even how it goes? I don't know, I am not Catholic. Which leads me to my next topic. So, I have this student who one day out of nowhere asks "Why is there never a female pope? I mean they can do it just as good if not better than a man!" I, of course stop teaching for the moment and look at her dumbfounded. "There is only a guy pope. In the Catholic religion, they don't have a lot of female priests, those we would call nuns!" The class laughs and then she replies, "I will be the first popette!" I thought I would fall off my chair and die. Isn't she Catholic? I mean come on, even I know that. Even the Jewish friends I have know that. PLEASE!

Same vain, she says...at least two days later. "Miss, do you know Chook Norosis?" I am deadpan, the kids stop. They look at her and a boy says, "Do you mean Chuck Norris?" "Yeah, I mean him! Who is he?" I thought that the kids were going to kill her. There were shouts of defiance, menace and of course stupidity. Kids were yelling, how do you not know who that is. I just threw my hands up and walked away. I think that I am out..I can not her. I can only hope that someone takes pity on her when she goes tot he 12th grade or college and helps her adjust to normal life. On the other hand, I could begin to make money off of her..you know those bracelets...WWJD, instead it would be WESS. What would E say. I could make a mint off of her. HMMM?! This is sounding more and more promising.

Well, in just a few days time I will be out for summer vacation. Well not really I kind of got guilt-ed into summer school. It's good for me, the money, the kids, the money! Then my summer can begin and I can go to St. Lucia with the hubby and the fam..WOOHOO!

I forgot...

So I forgot, till I was sitting down and eating dinner with the hubby. I just started laughing.So I was sitting in 4th period today and we were talking about the differences between other cultures and ours. It is a lead into the story that we are going to be covering in class. We are having a great discussion when out of nowhere a student says, "Miss, doesn't E look like that skeleton guy?" "Um, who?" "You know that guy who was a skeleton and like laughed at everyone and slept in a coffin." Of course I am snickering at this point. "You mean, Tales From the Crypt? Or do you mean every skeleton ever to have laid in the ground?" "No, definitely Tales From the Crypt." "well, I look at this kid a little harder and I say, nope like Achmed the dead terrorist." Wouldn't you know it but this girl had to google who that was and then asks, "Who is Jeff Dunham?" "The guy with his hand in the skeleton's tuckis" A student gets up and silences the entire room. He says "No, he is the ventriloquist. I know that is a big word for some of you so I'll say it again, slower. Ven-tril-oquist." I want you to know that I almost died from laughter. I thought I was going to plummet from the desk and fall to the ground. Are these kids kidding me? What goes through their minds? I am talking interesting conversation and I get he looks like a skeleton? HELLO?! Please just kill me now!

PS. Thank you to Jeff Dunham and Achmed the dead terroist for making this discussion possible. He is the man!

um, hello?

So, here we are, May 2010. School closes in like three weeks for summer vacation and I am breathing deep sighs of relief, except for a few things still nagging at my thoughts. I assigned this research paper and one of the sources this girl used was the Bible. She wanted to know how to cite it. I asked her, "Who wrote the bible?" She replies, "Jesus, he wrote it!" After I stopped laughing and pulled myself together, I told her, "No, he didn't write the bible. But he did have something to do with it." She looks at me and the light bulb goes off over her head. She looks at me and laughs and then says, "Oh Yeah, Mary wrote it." I walked away from her because I could not contain myself. Where in the bible is the book of Mary? Did I miss that chapter? I mean we have got Job and Psalms and Revelations but no where is there Mary. Maybe it is a long lost chapter that we don't know about. Or maybe it is in the bible of the cult that she is in. I don't know. I received papers that at the end of them says, "I love you, Miss Jacobs! This was all my work!" Children, young people, maybe you should completely think before you write your papers. It is not customary to kiss the teachers butt when writing. It is not going to get you anywhere. I am still not budging.

Update on the band, there was a practice going on and one of the members had to be replaced or is on a binge in Africa. At least that is what I have been told. He is re-cooping in rehab for a small drinking problem. The rest of the band believes that is really a sex addiction. Me, I think they are all crazy and that the end of the year has grabbed them and they have lost their minds.

Saturday?!

So when they say that a teacher's job is finished on the weekends, they lied. Whoever the freaking people are anyway. So I take 7 students to Orlando to go to this awards ceremony. I think that it is going to be a great time except for the fact we waited an hour and ten minutes for the bus to get us from the high school. We sat together and laughed and bonded. It was nice. So anyway, we head up to Orlando and we sit down in the auditorium and we are accosted with this negative individual who needs to make sure they grow up. The kids were very angry with this gentleman. A person who is supposed to be an inspirational speech getting kids to go to college. He is supposed to push these students to be the best that they can be and instead succeeded in alienating all my kids. He says things like "role models are trash and you shouldn't have them." I'm sorry. Wait a minute, am I not a role model. Aren't I supposed to be inspiring my children to do great things? JERK! So what do my loving children do? They text me during the presentation.."Help us, your teen achievers!" I snort with laughter. We then go off to lunch and get some nice food. "Make sure all the kids eaten first." Eaten? Hello? It's make sure the kids eat first. For Christmas sake?! No wonder these kids don't speak English well. I finally get food, I think it was three string beans and a piece of chicken. I walk towards the table and they clap as I walk toward them. Cheering about how I am a great role model. I LOVE MY KIDS! They do learn something, I do inspire them and some of them I don't even have as students. They make me smile.

I think the moral of the story is this, that not everything you do is hysterical funny or hysterical sad, sometimes these kids actually move me. (I don't mean like actually pick me up and move me, but emotionally move me.) No matter what "inspirational" person is supposed to be speaking, kids can see right through you when you are fake, so be real. Be a role model.

Ever wonder if your students are crazy?

So, here it is May. We have one month left to school and I can not freaking wait. I need a vacation from the student's insanity. For example, my first period class has created an entirely made up alternate universe. Here I am thinking that I am teaching a really cool lesson. I had my students be the teacher. They had to create the lesson, teach the lesson, grade the lessons and discipline their fellow students. This was simply the greatest idea that I had created. Each student loved it, they have all created their little worlds but here is the kicker. So, I have this gentleman who is sitting in the back of the room and as my "student teacher" is dictating the rules of the class. The light bulb over his head goes off. He looks around the room and says, "Miss, do you see us? We all are wearing the same dark colored jeans and a different colored polo. We are a boy band waiting to happen." The entire class stops. Students are gaping at him open mouthed and slack jawed. I looked at him. "What?" I ask. Another boy student says, "Yeah, when we go on tour." For the next half of the class these three boys created an entire album, a costume designer, a tour route and two music videos including one on a camel." I was dying. The weekend comes and goes. I attend prom, which is an entirely different paragraph. I come back to school on Monday and then these kids leave off as if nothing has passed. They apparently made a music video in Italy, drove on the autobahn roadway and kicked out a member of the boy band for having guns and drugs in his car. I had no idea that this had taken place over the period of 72 hours. I mean they are really good at alternate realities. I am hysterical. Oh but wait, they come up with a brilliant idea. They need to take me, their English teacher along, so that I can help them create songs with big lyrics. OMG! These kids kill me! Today, they had made a third track but their 5th member is in rehab. (He has been absent for 3 days). Again, I say they kill me!.

In my alternate reality. I am a famous playwright/author by night and an inspiring teacher by day. I would have every student do their work and turn it in on time. I would have comfy chairs and smiling faced children, always at the ready to learn, to strive for greatness! OHHHH wait, I would have everyone play nice and sing joyous psalms as the children pass their FCAT and write their research and critical analysis papers and lollipops float from the ceiling. Hey, come on people. It is an alternate reality. I mean if Fringe can do it, why can't we?

So as I said, prom. HMMM! So, I swore I was never going to turn into my mother or turn into that crazy teacher who poopoos children. I totally turned into that person. I did a mental hand slap. I was dying. I have never seen so many boobies in my life. Everyone bought the same type of dress with pieces of it missing. Some girl came in with a dress that stopped just below her tush. What the heck happened to the rest of her dress? The adults were dying. We had to stop some wonderful dry humping, and boobage overflow and some girl had her dress up over her head. Ridiculous! Oh and single handedly kept Trojan in business. Now, I am excited that at least they were protected but come on? When I went to high school, I never thought about sex. Oh lord, I did it again. I have turned into my mother! "When I was a little girl, I had to walk to school. Uphill both ways, barefoot! And dinosaurs chased me to and from school! It was a jungle!" The next thing you know I am going to be making hand motions instead of using my words. Oh goodness! I did it again!

With that all being said, I should be like Top Gear and end on a bombshell, but I have got nothing...

Hello, old friend

SO I have been missing for a long time. I sort of become disparaged thinking that no one reads me except for my one lone friend in MASS. Here I am pouring my teaching heart out and hoping that it helps others laugh at the sheer outlandishness of teaching and not even thinking I am reaching anyone. So, please come and check me out, cause I am going to keep writing, if not for anyone else but myself:) I LOVE ME!

Where have I been?

It has occurred to me that I have been missing in action lately. It was a long week two weeks ago and then it was Spring Break. I had 4 teachers in my house, well five if you count me. We all talked teacher talk, I will tell you it was interesting to hear varying view points. Although one of my friends was not thrilled we talked a lot about job security. She is faced with the fact that she could lose her job at any time for any reason. Well, that is what the business world is about. When you are a teacher, you are supposed to have job security, I mean unless you really suck at your job! And then there are some that have tenure and need to retire already. SO here I am faced with trying to come up with plan B and C just in case they pass this bill into the law..and I am wondering what else am I qualified for? I guess I could do anything but I am wanting to stay in the teaching profession. So I am trying for other options as well as other professions...why is it that when you finally think you are ready to purchase a house, start a family, live in one place for longer than two years, they have to throw the curve ball again? GRRR!

Also, I have not been in the classroom for two whole days so I have nothing interesting to report on that front but I am sure I will go back to the classroom tomorrow with high pitched screams of torment that I made them do work....

Where does the time go?

Hiya again-
Well I am thanking goodness that it is Spring Break, that I get some time away to reflect on the craziness that is called teaching. Where to start? I took 8 students to Tallahassee last weekend to a Teen Summit and met up with two other high schools from the district and then with other people their age as well. So, on our way there the bus breaks down, screaming ensues and then we all get smooshed onto buses with kids we don't know. They watch the Blindside and we cry, then we get to the college and some of the kids start to cry. Boys are excited since college girls are half naked, girl's are excited because there are hot available college boys and I am thinking do I have a taser gun? I am figuring that I can shoot most of the kids and keep their libido's in check. Theme of the weekend, no pregnancy, that's for me! Aside from the girl standing on the red ant hill, aside from the thugs from Sarasota, aside form staying an entire weekend in a hotel with zero sleep and aside from the confusion from the main person in charge, it went well and the kids had a good time. Oh did I forget to mention a bout of pink eye and an allergic reaction to tilapia (which the girl knew she was allergic too and ate anyway)! Oh yeah, it turned her lips in a fish pucker. I know I am not supposed to laugh but if you are allergic to fish, stay away from the fish! Do what I did, eat french fries and green beans. I felt like a baby. Don't people think that there are other food groups besides fried fish and orange soda? Other than that, we came back to a short week and grades being due.

Anyone who is a teacher knows that when grades are due the students become these little angels, hoping to complete make-up work, beg and plead and bargain for their grades, I have even had one try and give me 20 bucks. 20 dollars?! Seriously, if I am going to lose my job for grade tampering it had better be in the millions. These kids, they kill me! I was getting make-up work like it was going out of style. I had three papers and quiz(I didn't even give a quiz). They tried, I will give them that. And after all is said and done..only 3 F's. I say pretty good considering. Considering the fact that Florida wants to tie teacher's money to student's achivement.

Again, I say HELLO?! Those people, those law makers, do they remember being in a classroom? Did they ever teach in a place where it is hard to get students to come to class let alone pass a test? DO they remember what it was like when they were students? I have kids who are worried about being kicked out of their homes, moms and dads losing their jobs, 8 people living in a house, not being able to eat or bathe. They are not worried about tests, or quizzes or homework that they are missing. I do my best, teachers, we do our best..but remember that there is a bigger picture here. We are not machines, we are people, living breathing people. We have aspirations, we have love, we have our students, we have dreams. We don't want to be crushed into non-existence, we don't want to have our success tied to student achievement. I want to have job security, I want to have a family and a dog in addition to my cats. How do we do that if they threaten our job security, our classrooms and of course our teaching licenses? Sorry, I think I just went on a rant, it happens. Like they said from Clash of the Titan's, "Someone, some day is going to have to take a stand and say enough is enough!" (Good freaking movie by the way!)

So it's spring break, so I might be taking a slight hiatus...of course I am meeting with other teacher friends..so we could have a laugh a minute when I get back..

Where does the time go?

So, I have been MIA for the entire week. I have sort of been hoodwinked into being a site coordinator for the YMCA at the high school that I teach. Everyone said it would be fabulous, great! You are going to have a wonderful time! What they neglected to tell me is that I would have to drive all over god's creation or as I like to say Bosnia. (Of course, my dean today laughed at me and said I probably couldn't even pick it out on the map! I laughed, she laughed the AP laughed! Hot Mess!) Anyway, driving all over god's creation so that I could get fingerprinted because as I was told "We don't share!" Oh so we don't play well with others in the sand box? For cripes sake, my fingerprints are the same, it is not like I change them every few weeks to disguise my true identity. (oops, did I say that out loud, now I will have to disappear!) I had to get drug tested..fortunately for me I was clean. Good thing I stopped juicing with the vitamin C I take..it might have been flagged for having a good immune system. Why you ask am I going through this insanity? I am taking 7 students to Tallahassee, FL to take them on college tours. Did I say this weekend? Did I say for two nights? Yes, two nights with 16 year old kids..let's hope I don't become and Aunt! HA!

Oh did I mention also that I had to pull this trip out of my behind in a week:)And they say teachers are not miracle workers!

I spoke to the football coach today for my school. I asked about a student, he told me he was done chasing him. (Interesting a teacher, a coach having to chase a student down to get them to do something..gee, that never happens, right?) Of course, I said blindly without thinking, "Sometimes, they should be swallowed!" The coach fell to the floor and laughed..he laughed so hard that he cried. I guess sometimes we just open our mouths and words of wisdom come pouring out! If the kids can say the strangest things, why can't teachers! TEEHEE!

Great Gibblets!

So yesterday was fun. We gave the Science FCAT and it went swimmingly, I guess. I played relief teacher...which was fine. I walked into this classroom. I don't know who the teacher is or what they teach but I am standing there and there are these two students talking to each other. This is an honest conversation.
Boy A: Dude, you ever been tazzered before?
Boy B: Nah, man. I am too fast for the tazer gun!
Boy A: But, it's a gun now..they pull the trigger and they shoot you with electric. Then you fall to the ground and twitch like a raccoon.
Boy C: Raccoons twitch?
Boy B: I can run fast, dude. I will out run every bullet ever shot at me.
So to test this theory another student threw a book to the floor and it made a loud bang noise. This kid dove to the ground. The entire class bursts out laughing.
Boy A: Yeah, I see you running!
I was dying inside and of course you can't laugh at them, can you?

So like a month ago, I was giving a lecture and putting the kids into groups. I turn around and there is this student with his lighter open and his arm waving back and forth like he was at a Jay-Z concert. I looked at him. I thought he had gone crazy! Nope, he says, "I was just checking to see if it gas. No need to make a federal case out of it." Are you freaking kidding me? A federal case!? He also says, "Chill Miss!" I said oh okay..so I should chill while you light yourself on fire and we watch you here burning? Then when they ask me why didn't you do anything, I can say Chill Man?!" Seriously, WHO DOES THAT?!

So what the heck?!

You know the days when you wake up that it is going to either be a great day or a day where you want to beat students senseless. Today, after waking up at 3 AM to change all the passwords to my most personal information, I should have stayed in bed.

So, during 6th period, as we are reading the novel NIGHT, I have a student start cheering for Shamu..she says, "When you go to Sea World and you see Shamu, think of me!" Of course we all stared at her in disbelief and she looks at everyone and then says, "Oh, that didn't sound right, did it?"

Do they wake up thinking, this is the day where I am going to sound like I don't use my brain? Do they think at all?

We are going to find out because I gave them a new assignment. They are going to be the teacher for the day. They each have to prepare a lesson and then of course teach the entire class for the entire period. Most of them were excited and then spend ten minutes just deciding what to wear. I will let you know how that goes...if anyone shows up in a hot neon yellow suit..oh wait, that was the last school I worked at....

Kids really do say the darnedest things...

You remember that old adage. No question is ever a stupid question. I beg to differ. For example, if you think inside your head that a question is important, think it through before you decide to ask the question, it might just save your life.

Some questions that followed after an entire class period on the Kennedy Space Center and the shuttles.
1. How do they anchor the space station to earth?
2. Do they know how to find the space station? (They use Google maps and Garmin!)
3. How do they power it? Like I mean is there an extension cord?
4. If the space shuttle exploded and you were outside would you survive?
5. Do you know if they speak English in space?

This was a question, where I just looked at the student for like five whole minutes and started laughing. I know it's harsh and mean but come on?!

1. Do the aliens take American currency in space?


Come on, does it really matter? It's not like they have a drive through McDonald's where a nice alien is sitting waiting to take your order. I mean we all need that Big Mac in space, seriously? Are there taxi's too that shuttle us from the moon to mars? Kids really do say the darnedest things..

Punked?

So I sat down before and had, as my friends would say, "Bloggers Block!" I think I laughed for like a good five minutes but then again, after the day I have had, I am surprised I am not delirious! I say meet me at the Tiki for Drinks!

I go back in time first to my student teaching days or Junior Practicum for some. Mine was incredibly difficult. After the initial shock wore off, i got ready to hunker down to business. I was so excited until I met "Lord Voldemort" as we call him. (Thank you to J.K. Rowling.) Ooh, was he awful. I thought this is it, I am being punished for all of my hard work and determination. I mean I am part German but come on, can one person be that tough? I worked through "Lord Voldemort's" evil teaching prowess and developed into something, I like to call a teacher. (Okay so maybe I wasn't bona fide yet but I was there.)I laughed with the kids. I made the seniors read MacBeth and they had to update it, place it in the now. I had boys in tights and dresses and girls wrapped in flannel shirts. We had a great time!

So fast forward to today. I am excited, gung ho even. It's Friday, I am going to do this lesson on the Great Gatsby. (Of course, it is a Friday after the FCAT testing, you would think I had learned my lesson. Please, teach on a Friday! HA, that's like pulling teeth with a hammer!) Also, on a Friday we are lucky to get five kids to come to class and today it rained. I was batting a thousand here. But anyway I trudged on, I am going to have them play the parts of Gatsby and Daisy. So, I get them to be quiet..HA what a joke. My attempts were lost.

The students were shouting and yelling. One girl was putting make-up on the girl in front of her, telling her she'd get her a boy toy. Two boys in the back were listening to their I-pods, one girl was texting, another two were talking about their dates tonight and then, my shining stars, three girls and two boys excited to learn and ready to act. I blinked the lights, I clapped my hands, I jumped on the desk and of course threw things all to no avail. I threw up my hands and yelled, "Am I being punked? Where the heck is Ashton?" Kids looked up and started laughing. "We love you, Miss! You da bomb!" I swear some days there is not enough free alcohol in the entire world to quench the insanity.

So, Ashton Kutcher, if you happen to be reading this, please look me up cause I have a got a show idea for you!

Teaching, the beginning

So I have not always wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a movie star, I wanted to be a famous director! Dude, I even wanted to be the girl version of James Bond! I used to run around my house and dive behind tables chairs hiding from the bullets. Ask my rents!

But then life hit and I had to figure out what I wanted to do with it. I graduated college all ready to devour the world when in fact it nearly devoured me. After a terrible car crash and a few deaths, I decided I wanted to help people. Did I become a nurse or a doctor? Heck no! I went into the most underrated, most time consuming, liver wasting, gray hair turning profession. I became a teacher! And what's worse, I became a high school English teacher. Most of the kids today don't even know what city they live in, let alone how to create a sentence. (I LOVE my students!)

This blog is going to be dedicated to all the funny, whacky, crazy teachers who are driven to those whacky, funny, crazy ways by our loving students. These students are the ones that make our lives as teachers a little bit more interesting and bearable. So their stories will be told too.