Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I forgot...

So I forgot, till I was sitting down and eating dinner with the hubby. I just started laughing.So I was sitting in 4th period today and we were talking about the differences between other cultures and ours. It is a lead into the story that we are going to be covering in class. We are having a great discussion when out of nowhere a student says, "Miss, doesn't E look like that skeleton guy?" "Um, who?" "You know that guy who was a skeleton and like laughed at everyone and slept in a coffin." Of course I am snickering at this point. "You mean, Tales From the Crypt? Or do you mean every skeleton ever to have laid in the ground?" "No, definitely Tales From the Crypt." "well, I look at this kid a little harder and I say, nope like Achmed the dead terrorist." Wouldn't you know it but this girl had to google who that was and then asks, "Who is Jeff Dunham?" "The guy with his hand in the skeleton's tuckis" A student gets up and silences the entire room. He says "No, he is the ventriloquist. I know that is a big word for some of you so I'll say it again, slower. Ven-tril-oquist." I want you to know that I almost died from laughter. I thought I was going to plummet from the desk and fall to the ground. Are these kids kidding me? What goes through their minds? I am talking interesting conversation and I get he looks like a skeleton? HELLO?! Please just kill me now!

PS. Thank you to Jeff Dunham and Achmed the dead terroist for making this discussion possible. He is the man!

um, hello?

So, here we are, May 2010. School closes in like three weeks for summer vacation and I am breathing deep sighs of relief, except for a few things still nagging at my thoughts. I assigned this research paper and one of the sources this girl used was the Bible. She wanted to know how to cite it. I asked her, "Who wrote the bible?" She replies, "Jesus, he wrote it!" After I stopped laughing and pulled myself together, I told her, "No, he didn't write the bible. But he did have something to do with it." She looks at me and the light bulb goes off over her head. She looks at me and laughs and then says, "Oh Yeah, Mary wrote it." I walked away from her because I could not contain myself. Where in the bible is the book of Mary? Did I miss that chapter? I mean we have got Job and Psalms and Revelations but no where is there Mary. Maybe it is a long lost chapter that we don't know about. Or maybe it is in the bible of the cult that she is in. I don't know. I received papers that at the end of them says, "I love you, Miss Jacobs! This was all my work!" Children, young people, maybe you should completely think before you write your papers. It is not customary to kiss the teachers butt when writing. It is not going to get you anywhere. I am still not budging.

Update on the band, there was a practice going on and one of the members had to be replaced or is on a binge in Africa. At least that is what I have been told. He is re-cooping in rehab for a small drinking problem. The rest of the band believes that is really a sex addiction. Me, I think they are all crazy and that the end of the year has grabbed them and they have lost their minds.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


So when they say that a teacher's job is finished on the weekends, they lied. Whoever the freaking people are anyway. So I take 7 students to Orlando to go to this awards ceremony. I think that it is going to be a great time except for the fact we waited an hour and ten minutes for the bus to get us from the high school. We sat together and laughed and bonded. It was nice. So anyway, we head up to Orlando and we sit down in the auditorium and we are accosted with this negative individual who needs to make sure they grow up. The kids were very angry with this gentleman. A person who is supposed to be an inspirational speech getting kids to go to college. He is supposed to push these students to be the best that they can be and instead succeeded in alienating all my kids. He says things like "role models are trash and you shouldn't have them." I'm sorry. Wait a minute, am I not a role model. Aren't I supposed to be inspiring my children to do great things? JERK! So what do my loving children do? They text me during the presentation.."Help us, your teen achievers!" I snort with laughter. We then go off to lunch and get some nice food. "Make sure all the kids eaten first." Eaten? Hello? It's make sure the kids eat first. For Christmas sake?! No wonder these kids don't speak English well. I finally get food, I think it was three string beans and a piece of chicken. I walk towards the table and they clap as I walk toward them. Cheering about how I am a great role model. I LOVE MY KIDS! They do learn something, I do inspire them and some of them I don't even have as students. They make me smile.

I think the moral of the story is this, that not everything you do is hysterical funny or hysterical sad, sometimes these kids actually move me. (I don't mean like actually pick me up and move me, but emotionally move me.) No matter what "inspirational" person is supposed to be speaking, kids can see right through you when you are fake, so be real. Be a role model.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Ever wonder if your students are crazy?

So, here it is May. We have one month left to school and I can not freaking wait. I need a vacation from the student's insanity. For example, my first period class has created an entirely made up alternate universe. Here I am thinking that I am teaching a really cool lesson. I had my students be the teacher. They had to create the lesson, teach the lesson, grade the lessons and discipline their fellow students. This was simply the greatest idea that I had created. Each student loved it, they have all created their little worlds but here is the kicker. So, I have this gentleman who is sitting in the back of the room and as my "student teacher" is dictating the rules of the class. The light bulb over his head goes off. He looks around the room and says, "Miss, do you see us? We all are wearing the same dark colored jeans and a different colored polo. We are a boy band waiting to happen." The entire class stops. Students are gaping at him open mouthed and slack jawed. I looked at him. "What?" I ask. Another boy student says, "Yeah, when we go on tour." For the next half of the class these three boys created an entire album, a costume designer, a tour route and two music videos including one on a camel." I was dying. The weekend comes and goes. I attend prom, which is an entirely different paragraph. I come back to school on Monday and then these kids leave off as if nothing has passed. They apparently made a music video in Italy, drove on the autobahn roadway and kicked out a member of the boy band for having guns and drugs in his car. I had no idea that this had taken place over the period of 72 hours. I mean they are really good at alternate realities. I am hysterical. Oh but wait, they come up with a brilliant idea. They need to take me, their English teacher along, so that I can help them create songs with big lyrics. OMG! These kids kill me! Today, they had made a third track but their 5th member is in rehab. (He has been absent for 3 days). Again, I say they kill me!.

In my alternate reality. I am a famous playwright/author by night and an inspiring teacher by day. I would have every student do their work and turn it in on time. I would have comfy chairs and smiling faced children, always at the ready to learn, to strive for greatness! OHHHH wait, I would have everyone play nice and sing joyous psalms as the children pass their FCAT and write their research and critical analysis papers and lollipops float from the ceiling. Hey, come on people. It is an alternate reality. I mean if Fringe can do it, why can't we?

So as I said, prom. HMMM! So, I swore I was never going to turn into my mother or turn into that crazy teacher who poopoos children. I totally turned into that person. I did a mental hand slap. I was dying. I have never seen so many boobies in my life. Everyone bought the same type of dress with pieces of it missing. Some girl came in with a dress that stopped just below her tush. What the heck happened to the rest of her dress? The adults were dying. We had to stop some wonderful dry humping, and boobage overflow and some girl had her dress up over her head. Ridiculous! Oh and single handedly kept Trojan in business. Now, I am excited that at least they were protected but come on? When I went to high school, I never thought about sex. Oh lord, I did it again. I have turned into my mother! "When I was a little girl, I had to walk to school. Uphill both ways, barefoot! And dinosaurs chased me to and from school! It was a jungle!" The next thing you know I am going to be making hand motions instead of using my words. Oh goodness! I did it again!

With that all being said, I should be like Top Gear and end on a bombshell, but I have got nothing...

Hello, old friend

SO I have been missing for a long time. I sort of become disparaged thinking that no one reads me except for my one lone friend in MASS. Here I am pouring my teaching heart out and hoping that it helps others laugh at the sheer outlandishness of teaching and not even thinking I am reaching anyone. So, please come and check me out, cause I am going to keep writing, if not for anyone else but myself:) I LOVE ME!