Hello, old friend

SO I have been missing for a long time. I sort of become disparaged thinking that no one reads me except for my one lone friend in MASS. Here I am pouring my teaching heart out and hoping that it helps others laugh at the sheer outlandishness of teaching and not even thinking I am reaching anyone. So, please come and check me out, cause I am going to keep writing, if not for anyone else but myself:) I LOVE ME!

Where have I been?

It has occurred to me that I have been missing in action lately. It was a long week two weeks ago and then it was Spring Break. I had 4 teachers in my house, well five if you count me. We all talked teacher talk, I will tell you it was interesting to hear varying view points. Although one of my friends was not thrilled we talked a lot about job security. She is faced with the fact that she could lose her job at any time for any reason. Well, that is what the business world is about. When you are a teacher, you are supposed to have job security, I mean unless you really suck at your job! And then there are some that have tenure and need to retire already. SO here I am faced with trying to come up with plan B and C just in case they pass this bill into the law..and I am wondering what else am I qualified for? I guess I could do anything but I am wanting to stay in the teaching profession. So I am trying for other options as well as other professions...why is it that when you finally think you are ready to purchase a house, start a family, live in one place for longer than two years, they have to throw the curve ball again? GRRR!

Also, I have not been in the classroom for two whole days so I have nothing interesting to report on that front but I am sure I will go back to the classroom tomorrow with high pitched screams of torment that I made them do work....

Where does the time go?

Hiya again-
Well I am thanking goodness that it is Spring Break, that I get some time away to reflect on the craziness that is called teaching. Where to start? I took 8 students to Tallahassee last weekend to a Teen Summit and met up with two other high schools from the district and then with other people their age as well. So, on our way there the bus breaks down, screaming ensues and then we all get smooshed onto buses with kids we don't know. They watch the Blindside and we cry, then we get to the college and some of the kids start to cry. Boys are excited since college girls are half naked, girl's are excited because there are hot available college boys and I am thinking do I have a taser gun? I am figuring that I can shoot most of the kids and keep their libido's in check. Theme of the weekend, no pregnancy, that's for me! Aside from the girl standing on the red ant hill, aside from the thugs from Sarasota, aside form staying an entire weekend in a hotel with zero sleep and aside from the confusion from the main person in charge, it went well and the kids had a good time. Oh did I forget to mention a bout of pink eye and an allergic reaction to tilapia (which the girl knew she was allergic too and ate anyway)! Oh yeah, it turned her lips in a fish pucker. I know I am not supposed to laugh but if you are allergic to fish, stay away from the fish! Do what I did, eat french fries and green beans. I felt like a baby. Don't people think that there are other food groups besides fried fish and orange soda? Other than that, we came back to a short week and grades being due.

Anyone who is a teacher knows that when grades are due the students become these little angels, hoping to complete make-up work, beg and plead and bargain for their grades, I have even had one try and give me 20 bucks. 20 dollars?! Seriously, if I am going to lose my job for grade tampering it had better be in the millions. These kids, they kill me! I was getting make-up work like it was going out of style. I had three papers and quiz(I didn't even give a quiz). They tried, I will give them that. And after all is said and done..only 3 F's. I say pretty good considering. Considering the fact that Florida wants to tie teacher's money to student's achivement.

Again, I say HELLO?! Those people, those law makers, do they remember being in a classroom? Did they ever teach in a place where it is hard to get students to come to class let alone pass a test? DO they remember what it was like when they were students? I have kids who are worried about being kicked out of their homes, moms and dads losing their jobs, 8 people living in a house, not being able to eat or bathe. They are not worried about tests, or quizzes or homework that they are missing. I do my best, teachers, we do our best..but remember that there is a bigger picture here. We are not machines, we are people, living breathing people. We have aspirations, we have love, we have our students, we have dreams. We don't want to be crushed into non-existence, we don't want to have our success tied to student achievement. I want to have job security, I want to have a family and a dog in addition to my cats. How do we do that if they threaten our job security, our classrooms and of course our teaching licenses? Sorry, I think I just went on a rant, it happens. Like they said from Clash of the Titan's, "Someone, some day is going to have to take a stand and say enough is enough!" (Good freaking movie by the way!)

So it's spring break, so I might be taking a slight hiatus...of course I am meeting with other teacher friends..so we could have a laugh a minute when I get back..

Where does the time go?

So, I have been MIA for the entire week. I have sort of been hoodwinked into being a site coordinator for the YMCA at the high school that I teach. Everyone said it would be fabulous, great! You are going to have a wonderful time! What they neglected to tell me is that I would have to drive all over god's creation or as I like to say Bosnia. (Of course, my dean today laughed at me and said I probably couldn't even pick it out on the map! I laughed, she laughed the AP laughed! Hot Mess!) Anyway, driving all over god's creation so that I could get fingerprinted because as I was told "We don't share!" Oh so we don't play well with others in the sand box? For cripes sake, my fingerprints are the same, it is not like I change them every few weeks to disguise my true identity. (oops, did I say that out loud, now I will have to disappear!) I had to get drug tested..fortunately for me I was clean. Good thing I stopped juicing with the vitamin C I take..it might have been flagged for having a good immune system. Why you ask am I going through this insanity? I am taking 7 students to Tallahassee, FL to take them on college tours. Did I say this weekend? Did I say for two nights? Yes, two nights with 16 year old kids..let's hope I don't become and Aunt! HA!

Oh did I mention also that I had to pull this trip out of my behind in a week:)And they say teachers are not miracle workers!

I spoke to the football coach today for my school. I asked about a student, he told me he was done chasing him. (Interesting a teacher, a coach having to chase a student down to get them to do something..gee, that never happens, right?) Of course, I said blindly without thinking, "Sometimes, they should be swallowed!" The coach fell to the floor and laughed..he laughed so hard that he cried. I guess sometimes we just open our mouths and words of wisdom come pouring out! If the kids can say the strangest things, why can't teachers! TEEHEE!

Great Gibblets!

So yesterday was fun. We gave the Science FCAT and it went swimmingly, I guess. I played relief teacher...which was fine. I walked into this classroom. I don't know who the teacher is or what they teach but I am standing there and there are these two students talking to each other. This is an honest conversation.
Boy A: Dude, you ever been tazzered before?
Boy B: Nah, man. I am too fast for the tazer gun!
Boy A: But, it's a gun now..they pull the trigger and they shoot you with electric. Then you fall to the ground and twitch like a raccoon.
Boy C: Raccoons twitch?
Boy B: I can run fast, dude. I will out run every bullet ever shot at me.
So to test this theory another student threw a book to the floor and it made a loud bang noise. This kid dove to the ground. The entire class bursts out laughing.
Boy A: Yeah, I see you running!
I was dying inside and of course you can't laugh at them, can you?

So like a month ago, I was giving a lecture and putting the kids into groups. I turn around and there is this student with his lighter open and his arm waving back and forth like he was at a Jay-Z concert. I looked at him. I thought he had gone crazy! Nope, he says, "I was just checking to see if it gas. No need to make a federal case out of it." Are you freaking kidding me? A federal case!? He also says, "Chill Miss!" I said oh okay..so I should chill while you light yourself on fire and we watch you here burning? Then when they ask me why didn't you do anything, I can say Chill Man?!" Seriously, WHO DOES THAT?!

So what the heck?!

You know the days when you wake up that it is going to either be a great day or a day where you want to beat students senseless. Today, after waking up at 3 AM to change all the passwords to my most personal information, I should have stayed in bed.

So, during 6th period, as we are reading the novel NIGHT, I have a student start cheering for Shamu..she says, "When you go to Sea World and you see Shamu, think of me!" Of course we all stared at her in disbelief and she looks at everyone and then says, "Oh, that didn't sound right, did it?"

Do they wake up thinking, this is the day where I am going to sound like I don't use my brain? Do they think at all?

We are going to find out because I gave them a new assignment. They are going to be the teacher for the day. They each have to prepare a lesson and then of course teach the entire class for the entire period. Most of them were excited and then spend ten minutes just deciding what to wear. I will let you know how that goes...if anyone shows up in a hot neon yellow suit..oh wait, that was the last school I worked at....

Kids really do say the darnedest things...

You remember that old adage. No question is ever a stupid question. I beg to differ. For example, if you think inside your head that a question is important, think it through before you decide to ask the question, it might just save your life.

Some questions that followed after an entire class period on the Kennedy Space Center and the shuttles.
1. How do they anchor the space station to earth?
2. Do they know how to find the space station? (They use Google maps and Garmin!)
3. How do they power it? Like I mean is there an extension cord?
4. If the space shuttle exploded and you were outside would you survive?
5. Do you know if they speak English in space?

This was a question, where I just looked at the student for like five whole minutes and started laughing. I know it's harsh and mean but come on?!

1. Do the aliens take American currency in space?


Come on, does it really matter? It's not like they have a drive through McDonald's where a nice alien is sitting waiting to take your order. I mean we all need that Big Mac in space, seriously? Are there taxi's too that shuttle us from the moon to mars? Kids really do say the darnedest things..