And it begins again....

Hi everyone, and when I say everyone, I mean the three of you faithful followers. So it has begun again, the school year. I have different students this year and some of the old ones, which is not saying much. School beginnings have been tough and difficult and very stressful. I can not begin to tell you, I think I am losing hair. And I know that my stupid liver is failing based on the long hours and the all time consuming school work.
Has there been stupid questions, of course there has, I mean it is school after all. So, I have been already asked the stupid question,"Do I really need to put my name on this?" No, it's alright, don't put your name on it, but then again, you also don't get a grade on it either. Oh, I see, says the student, I guess I should put my name on it then. Yes good choice! I swear sometimes these children make you drink.
The other good news is that these kids are still excited to be here, I give it a few more weeks when they are really into the swing of things. Until then there is only 160 more days of school left:)

And hello my old friend

So it is June 23rd and 22 days since my last confession. I have finished regular school days only to be working for summer school and at the place they made a song about. I am exhausted every single day and my husband keeps a drink for me to help alleviate that problem, of course some days I don't even remember drinking it but hey. I have remembered after my long hiatus some stories that I forgot to place on the last entry, which only makes them more funny.

Okay so it was the last days of school and I was prepping for the final exam. I ask the class, "What is a homonym?" I look around the class, I see a sea of confusion, a valley of ignorance and then of course out of the dismal abyss a hand is raised. I think this is wonderful, someone finally knows an answer. I call on the student and they say loud and proud,"Isn't that a nice way to say a gay couple?" The air blows out from my body and I look at the student and I say, "Um, close but no, it is two words that sound the same and are spelled differently." I felt that seen from Glee where the girls stands there in her dress with the stapled animals and the frog jumps off...yeah I felt like that frog. I'll admit it, I want to jump out the window, run screaming from the insanity. I mean it is only the end of the year and you can't remember one thing that I taught already? ARGH! Almost as good as the time we spoke about Chuck Norris. It doesn't end there, of course not, it's me, so it gets better.

So after this, I have a student who says, "Miss, before the end of the year, I am going to throw myself into your wall to see what happens." I laugh at him and I say," Ha! No, you are not!" A few days go by and things are winding down, school is coming to a close and I blink for one second. Big mistake, never trust your students well that particular student anyhow. So I blink for one second and off he runs, launches himself like a freaking bug and lands in the wall. Oh yeah, you read that right, lands inside the wall. I mean a four foot hole in the shape of this student. The entire class has a fit, they are yelling and I look at him and for once am at a total loss of words. Suffice to say that 250 dollars and the end of the year is all that it take to fix my room. HA HA HA! I wish I had a fly swatter cause I would have nailed him with it. Freaking world's largest bug! I could go on the road and charge 25 cents for a look at the bug man!

So here we are and I am now in summer school. I had taken 35 kids to Tampa to look at colleges. I had forgotten that some colleges were so pretty to look at, I mean with the exception of the three kids that passed out and myself from the extreme heat, really pretty. This trip took me out of summer school for the first three days so when I finally arrived on campus ready to work, I figured that I would have to begin all over again. Imagine my surprise when the first bell rings and I have no students. I then find out that it's okay, that is my planning period. Okay so the next bell rings and then the next and I still have no kids. I have to run around campus recruiting for this class, TV Production. Who wouldn't want to be involved? I arrive to find several students in my room. They don't speak English so now my TV Production morning show has become Telemundo! And? You are probably asking so what? I just don't want to watch an entire episode of "POR QUE!" and "Adios Mio!" So dramatic, so crazy. So to alleviate the issues, I am doing in fact a Telemundo Minute...drama in seconds:) I shall keep you posted on that weekly episodic series.

Well, I think that is all in a nutshell foe now but there is always a chance of more insanity, I mean that is education:)

And the end is near!!!

Hello, it has been three weeks since my last confession. I am going to need at least three hail Maries and holy dear lord in heaven. Is that even how it goes? I don't know, I am not Catholic. Which leads me to my next topic. So, I have this student who one day out of nowhere asks "Why is there never a female pope? I mean they can do it just as good if not better than a man!" I, of course stop teaching for the moment and look at her dumbfounded. "There is only a guy pope. In the Catholic religion, they don't have a lot of female priests, those we would call nuns!" The class laughs and then she replies, "I will be the first popette!" I thought I would fall off my chair and die. Isn't she Catholic? I mean come on, even I know that. Even the Jewish friends I have know that. PLEASE!

Same vain, she says...at least two days later. "Miss, do you know Chook Norosis?" I am deadpan, the kids stop. They look at her and a boy says, "Do you mean Chuck Norris?" "Yeah, I mean him! Who is he?" I thought that the kids were going to kill her. There were shouts of defiance, menace and of course stupidity. Kids were yelling, how do you not know who that is. I just threw my hands up and walked away. I think that I am out..I can not her. I can only hope that someone takes pity on her when she goes tot he 12th grade or college and helps her adjust to normal life. On the other hand, I could begin to make money off of her..you know those bracelets...WWJD, instead it would be WESS. What would E say. I could make a mint off of her. HMMM?! This is sounding more and more promising.

Well, in just a few days time I will be out for summer vacation. Well not really I kind of got guilt-ed into summer school. It's good for me, the money, the kids, the money! Then my summer can begin and I can go to St. Lucia with the hubby and the fam..WOOHOO!

I forgot...

So I forgot, till I was sitting down and eating dinner with the hubby. I just started laughing.So I was sitting in 4th period today and we were talking about the differences between other cultures and ours. It is a lead into the story that we are going to be covering in class. We are having a great discussion when out of nowhere a student says, "Miss, doesn't E look like that skeleton guy?" "Um, who?" "You know that guy who was a skeleton and like laughed at everyone and slept in a coffin." Of course I am snickering at this point. "You mean, Tales From the Crypt? Or do you mean every skeleton ever to have laid in the ground?" "No, definitely Tales From the Crypt." "well, I look at this kid a little harder and I say, nope like Achmed the dead terrorist." Wouldn't you know it but this girl had to google who that was and then asks, "Who is Jeff Dunham?" "The guy with his hand in the skeleton's tuckis" A student gets up and silences the entire room. He says "No, he is the ventriloquist. I know that is a big word for some of you so I'll say it again, slower. Ven-tril-oquist." I want you to know that I almost died from laughter. I thought I was going to plummet from the desk and fall to the ground. Are these kids kidding me? What goes through their minds? I am talking interesting conversation and I get he looks like a skeleton? HELLO?! Please just kill me now!

PS. Thank you to Jeff Dunham and Achmed the dead terroist for making this discussion possible. He is the man!

um, hello?

So, here we are, May 2010. School closes in like three weeks for summer vacation and I am breathing deep sighs of relief, except for a few things still nagging at my thoughts. I assigned this research paper and one of the sources this girl used was the Bible. She wanted to know how to cite it. I asked her, "Who wrote the bible?" She replies, "Jesus, he wrote it!" After I stopped laughing and pulled myself together, I told her, "No, he didn't write the bible. But he did have something to do with it." She looks at me and the light bulb goes off over her head. She looks at me and laughs and then says, "Oh Yeah, Mary wrote it." I walked away from her because I could not contain myself. Where in the bible is the book of Mary? Did I miss that chapter? I mean we have got Job and Psalms and Revelations but no where is there Mary. Maybe it is a long lost chapter that we don't know about. Or maybe it is in the bible of the cult that she is in. I don't know. I received papers that at the end of them says, "I love you, Miss Jacobs! This was all my work!" Children, young people, maybe you should completely think before you write your papers. It is not customary to kiss the teachers butt when writing. It is not going to get you anywhere. I am still not budging.

Update on the band, there was a practice going on and one of the members had to be replaced or is on a binge in Africa. At least that is what I have been told. He is re-cooping in rehab for a small drinking problem. The rest of the band believes that is really a sex addiction. Me, I think they are all crazy and that the end of the year has grabbed them and they have lost their minds.

Saturday?!

So when they say that a teacher's job is finished on the weekends, they lied. Whoever the freaking people are anyway. So I take 7 students to Orlando to go to this awards ceremony. I think that it is going to be a great time except for the fact we waited an hour and ten minutes for the bus to get us from the high school. We sat together and laughed and bonded. It was nice. So anyway, we head up to Orlando and we sit down in the auditorium and we are accosted with this negative individual who needs to make sure they grow up. The kids were very angry with this gentleman. A person who is supposed to be an inspirational speech getting kids to go to college. He is supposed to push these students to be the best that they can be and instead succeeded in alienating all my kids. He says things like "role models are trash and you shouldn't have them." I'm sorry. Wait a minute, am I not a role model. Aren't I supposed to be inspiring my children to do great things? JERK! So what do my loving children do? They text me during the presentation.."Help us, your teen achievers!" I snort with laughter. We then go off to lunch and get some nice food. "Make sure all the kids eaten first." Eaten? Hello? It's make sure the kids eat first. For Christmas sake?! No wonder these kids don't speak English well. I finally get food, I think it was three string beans and a piece of chicken. I walk towards the table and they clap as I walk toward them. Cheering about how I am a great role model. I LOVE MY KIDS! They do learn something, I do inspire them and some of them I don't even have as students. They make me smile.

I think the moral of the story is this, that not everything you do is hysterical funny or hysterical sad, sometimes these kids actually move me. (I don't mean like actually pick me up and move me, but emotionally move me.) No matter what "inspirational" person is supposed to be speaking, kids can see right through you when you are fake, so be real. Be a role model.

Ever wonder if your students are crazy?

So, here it is May. We have one month left to school and I can not freaking wait. I need a vacation from the student's insanity. For example, my first period class has created an entirely made up alternate universe. Here I am thinking that I am teaching a really cool lesson. I had my students be the teacher. They had to create the lesson, teach the lesson, grade the lessons and discipline their fellow students. This was simply the greatest idea that I had created. Each student loved it, they have all created their little worlds but here is the kicker. So, I have this gentleman who is sitting in the back of the room and as my "student teacher" is dictating the rules of the class. The light bulb over his head goes off. He looks around the room and says, "Miss, do you see us? We all are wearing the same dark colored jeans and a different colored polo. We are a boy band waiting to happen." The entire class stops. Students are gaping at him open mouthed and slack jawed. I looked at him. "What?" I ask. Another boy student says, "Yeah, when we go on tour." For the next half of the class these three boys created an entire album, a costume designer, a tour route and two music videos including one on a camel." I was dying. The weekend comes and goes. I attend prom, which is an entirely different paragraph. I come back to school on Monday and then these kids leave off as if nothing has passed. They apparently made a music video in Italy, drove on the autobahn roadway and kicked out a member of the boy band for having guns and drugs in his car. I had no idea that this had taken place over the period of 72 hours. I mean they are really good at alternate realities. I am hysterical. Oh but wait, they come up with a brilliant idea. They need to take me, their English teacher along, so that I can help them create songs with big lyrics. OMG! These kids kill me! Today, they had made a third track but their 5th member is in rehab. (He has been absent for 3 days). Again, I say they kill me!.

In my alternate reality. I am a famous playwright/author by night and an inspiring teacher by day. I would have every student do their work and turn it in on time. I would have comfy chairs and smiling faced children, always at the ready to learn, to strive for greatness! OHHHH wait, I would have everyone play nice and sing joyous psalms as the children pass their FCAT and write their research and critical analysis papers and lollipops float from the ceiling. Hey, come on people. It is an alternate reality. I mean if Fringe can do it, why can't we?

So as I said, prom. HMMM! So, I swore I was never going to turn into my mother or turn into that crazy teacher who poopoos children. I totally turned into that person. I did a mental hand slap. I was dying. I have never seen so many boobies in my life. Everyone bought the same type of dress with pieces of it missing. Some girl came in with a dress that stopped just below her tush. What the heck happened to the rest of her dress? The adults were dying. We had to stop some wonderful dry humping, and boobage overflow and some girl had her dress up over her head. Ridiculous! Oh and single handedly kept Trojan in business. Now, I am excited that at least they were protected but come on? When I went to high school, I never thought about sex. Oh lord, I did it again. I have turned into my mother! "When I was a little girl, I had to walk to school. Uphill both ways, barefoot! And dinosaurs chased me to and from school! It was a jungle!" The next thing you know I am going to be making hand motions instead of using my words. Oh goodness! I did it again!

With that all being said, I should be like Top Gear and end on a bombshell, but I have got nothing...