Where does the time go?

So, I have been MIA for the entire week. I have sort of been hoodwinked into being a site coordinator for the YMCA at the high school that I teach. Everyone said it would be fabulous, great! You are going to have a wonderful time! What they neglected to tell me is that I would have to drive all over god's creation or as I like to say Bosnia. (Of course, my dean today laughed at me and said I probably couldn't even pick it out on the map! I laughed, she laughed the AP laughed! Hot Mess!) Anyway, driving all over god's creation so that I could get fingerprinted because as I was told "We don't share!" Oh so we don't play well with others in the sand box? For cripes sake, my fingerprints are the same, it is not like I change them every few weeks to disguise my true identity. (oops, did I say that out loud, now I will have to disappear!) I had to get drug tested..fortunately for me I was clean. Good thing I stopped juicing with the vitamin C I take..it might have been flagged for having a good immune system. Why you ask am I going through this insanity? I am taking 7 students to Tallahassee, FL to take them on college tours. Did I say this weekend? Did I say for two nights? Yes, two nights with 16 year old kids..let's hope I don't become and Aunt! HA!

Oh did I mention also that I had to pull this trip out of my behind in a week:)And they say teachers are not miracle workers!

I spoke to the football coach today for my school. I asked about a student, he told me he was done chasing him. (Interesting a teacher, a coach having to chase a student down to get them to do something..gee, that never happens, right?) Of course, I said blindly without thinking, "Sometimes, they should be swallowed!" The coach fell to the floor and laughed..he laughed so hard that he cried. I guess sometimes we just open our mouths and words of wisdom come pouring out! If the kids can say the strangest things, why can't teachers! TEEHEE!

Great Gibblets!

So yesterday was fun. We gave the Science FCAT and it went swimmingly, I guess. I played relief teacher...which was fine. I walked into this classroom. I don't know who the teacher is or what they teach but I am standing there and there are these two students talking to each other. This is an honest conversation.
Boy A: Dude, you ever been tazzered before?
Boy B: Nah, man. I am too fast for the tazer gun!
Boy A: But, it's a gun now..they pull the trigger and they shoot you with electric. Then you fall to the ground and twitch like a raccoon.
Boy C: Raccoons twitch?
Boy B: I can run fast, dude. I will out run every bullet ever shot at me.
So to test this theory another student threw a book to the floor and it made a loud bang noise. This kid dove to the ground. The entire class bursts out laughing.
Boy A: Yeah, I see you running!
I was dying inside and of course you can't laugh at them, can you?

So like a month ago, I was giving a lecture and putting the kids into groups. I turn around and there is this student with his lighter open and his arm waving back and forth like he was at a Jay-Z concert. I looked at him. I thought he had gone crazy! Nope, he says, "I was just checking to see if it gas. No need to make a federal case out of it." Are you freaking kidding me? A federal case!? He also says, "Chill Miss!" I said oh okay..so I should chill while you light yourself on fire and we watch you here burning? Then when they ask me why didn't you do anything, I can say Chill Man?!" Seriously, WHO DOES THAT?!

So what the heck?!

You know the days when you wake up that it is going to either be a great day or a day where you want to beat students senseless. Today, after waking up at 3 AM to change all the passwords to my most personal information, I should have stayed in bed.

So, during 6th period, as we are reading the novel NIGHT, I have a student start cheering for Shamu..she says, "When you go to Sea World and you see Shamu, think of me!" Of course we all stared at her in disbelief and she looks at everyone and then says, "Oh, that didn't sound right, did it?"

Do they wake up thinking, this is the day where I am going to sound like I don't use my brain? Do they think at all?

We are going to find out because I gave them a new assignment. They are going to be the teacher for the day. They each have to prepare a lesson and then of course teach the entire class for the entire period. Most of them were excited and then spend ten minutes just deciding what to wear. I will let you know how that goes...if anyone shows up in a hot neon yellow suit..oh wait, that was the last school I worked at....

Kids really do say the darnedest things...

You remember that old adage. No question is ever a stupid question. I beg to differ. For example, if you think inside your head that a question is important, think it through before you decide to ask the question, it might just save your life.

Some questions that followed after an entire class period on the Kennedy Space Center and the shuttles.
1. How do they anchor the space station to earth?
2. Do they know how to find the space station? (They use Google maps and Garmin!)
3. How do they power it? Like I mean is there an extension cord?
4. If the space shuttle exploded and you were outside would you survive?
5. Do you know if they speak English in space?

This was a question, where I just looked at the student for like five whole minutes and started laughing. I know it's harsh and mean but come on?!

1. Do the aliens take American currency in space?


Come on, does it really matter? It's not like they have a drive through McDonald's where a nice alien is sitting waiting to take your order. I mean we all need that Big Mac in space, seriously? Are there taxi's too that shuttle us from the moon to mars? Kids really do say the darnedest things..

Punked?

So I sat down before and had, as my friends would say, "Bloggers Block!" I think I laughed for like a good five minutes but then again, after the day I have had, I am surprised I am not delirious! I say meet me at the Tiki for Drinks!

I go back in time first to my student teaching days or Junior Practicum for some. Mine was incredibly difficult. After the initial shock wore off, i got ready to hunker down to business. I was so excited until I met "Lord Voldemort" as we call him. (Thank you to J.K. Rowling.) Ooh, was he awful. I thought this is it, I am being punished for all of my hard work and determination. I mean I am part German but come on, can one person be that tough? I worked through "Lord Voldemort's" evil teaching prowess and developed into something, I like to call a teacher. (Okay so maybe I wasn't bona fide yet but I was there.)I laughed with the kids. I made the seniors read MacBeth and they had to update it, place it in the now. I had boys in tights and dresses and girls wrapped in flannel shirts. We had a great time!

So fast forward to today. I am excited, gung ho even. It's Friday, I am going to do this lesson on the Great Gatsby. (Of course, it is a Friday after the FCAT testing, you would think I had learned my lesson. Please, teach on a Friday! HA, that's like pulling teeth with a hammer!) Also, on a Friday we are lucky to get five kids to come to class and today it rained. I was batting a thousand here. But anyway I trudged on, I am going to have them play the parts of Gatsby and Daisy. So, I get them to be quiet..HA what a joke. My attempts were lost.

The students were shouting and yelling. One girl was putting make-up on the girl in front of her, telling her she'd get her a boy toy. Two boys in the back were listening to their I-pods, one girl was texting, another two were talking about their dates tonight and then, my shining stars, three girls and two boys excited to learn and ready to act. I blinked the lights, I clapped my hands, I jumped on the desk and of course threw things all to no avail. I threw up my hands and yelled, "Am I being punked? Where the heck is Ashton?" Kids looked up and started laughing. "We love you, Miss! You da bomb!" I swear some days there is not enough free alcohol in the entire world to quench the insanity.

So, Ashton Kutcher, if you happen to be reading this, please look me up cause I have a got a show idea for you!

Teaching, the beginning

So I have not always wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a movie star, I wanted to be a famous director! Dude, I even wanted to be the girl version of James Bond! I used to run around my house and dive behind tables chairs hiding from the bullets. Ask my rents!

But then life hit and I had to figure out what I wanted to do with it. I graduated college all ready to devour the world when in fact it nearly devoured me. After a terrible car crash and a few deaths, I decided I wanted to help people. Did I become a nurse or a doctor? Heck no! I went into the most underrated, most time consuming, liver wasting, gray hair turning profession. I became a teacher! And what's worse, I became a high school English teacher. Most of the kids today don't even know what city they live in, let alone how to create a sentence. (I LOVE my students!)

This blog is going to be dedicated to all the funny, whacky, crazy teachers who are driven to those whacky, funny, crazy ways by our loving students. These students are the ones that make our lives as teachers a little bit more interesting and bearable. So their stories will be told too.